Today, Andy and I celebrated 5 years of marriage together.
5 years of pets, children, projects, and new opportunities
5 years of great joys and dark trials
5 years of loved ones coming and going
5 years of lessons learned and some we’re still trying to comprehend
5 years of sickness and triumph
5 years of great ideas (mostly him) and not-so-great ideas (mostly me).
I can’t think of a better person to spend those 5 years with. He has held steadfast to his vows - loving me when I was hardly worth loving. His loyalty, patience and grace was, and is, something to be admired. We have faced many adversities as many couples do, and together, we’ve strived to come out of those storms ever stronger.
I can honestly say, he’s upheld the biblical example of a husband and has resonated the image of Christ’s love for the us:
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. - Ephesians 5: 25-28
I’m blessed enough to say that as we’ve lived out our own love story through these past 5 years, I’ve also learned a little more about the overarching love story of God to his people. Marriage, in it’s purest form, exemplifies that love. God used us, as broken and faulted as we are, to play out His unyielding love for His children the moment we said our vows. In 5 years, we’ve learned this much, I’m excited to learn so much more about this love story through the next 50 and beyond.
Life seems extraordinarily busy these days, which often times for me means a very busy mind. A mind divided by work and family, projects and events, from what seems like morning to sundown. This month I have several side projects I’ve committed to doing in the web design front along with the full time job, a one year old son to run around with, and we’re in the midst of trying to purchase a small townhouse as an investment property in the local neighborhood which has meant paperwork and more time. Also dealing with some medical tests and trying to get a fun little flag football team together in the midst of it all…(Gotta have fun too right?)
Yet as the crazy cloud swirls about me I feel a deepening need to get back to the basics. I’ve come to realize there is no great nobility within busyness, activity, and the like. Though this culture would demand such from you or expect such from you, you can slow down. You have that ability. Jeremiah 10:23 has always been one of the passages of scripture that has gripped me. It reads “I know, O LORD, that a man’s life is not his own; it is not for man to direct his steps.” This world is determined to facilitate a self-indulgent-self-centric-self-interested person in us, one that does not “settle” for anything but accomplishment and a driven nature to succeed by it’s own standards. At what point can we step back? At what point can we slow down? One has to pursue silence to find it, and within such focus upon the basics every once in awhile, to realize that the steps before you were placed there before you walked them. That God is in control and it is his causes, purposes, and glory that is to be pursued with the driven nature that cannot be satisfied in anything else, no matter how hard we try.
Life has become something of a new adventure since Caleb arrived. I’m not sure if it’s what I expected or not, but it’s certainly a Caleb-centric existance and has been for the better part of 8 months. We try to get everything peripheral done during naptimes, go to events as long as we’re home in time for his bedtime, and we rise at the crack of “Waaaaaaaaaaa” every morning. Caleb runs the show!
It is through marriage first, and then fatherhood that I have come to understand the temptations and tribulations that come within these bonds. The apostle Paul speaks of the fact that within marriage, one’s interests are divided. At once, you are committed to the Lord’s affairs, and yet in another moment committed about how one might please his wife. The core principles within these verses is not to restrict or bring a bitter taste to marriage. It is written so that we might live a life in undivided devotion to the Lord, whether we are alone or together.
It is not mere coincidence that the verses prior to the ones about marriage speak of the truth that this world in it’s present form is indeed passing away. I cannot fathom or properly comprehend this, though I know that it is true, and I know that my passionate love and bonds with Bri and Caleb will change when this world does pass away, and that God shall be glorified in the redemption of his own.
It is easy to consume my mind with the passing world, living each and every day in order to please Bri or Caleb and losing site of an undivided devotion to the Lord, as a family. Rather than looking inward as though our family was huddled, looking only into each others faces, we must turn and hold hands and walk together in devotion to the Lord.
This is not very easy in waterfalls of spitup or hills of blocks and toys. Yet I know the greatest love and devotion I can show to my wife and my son is by lifting them up in the things that are not temporary, but the things that last when our time here has gone.
I just noticed that Bri’s last post was the 200th total post on this blog (including the posts moved over from my old blog…you know, before I got “married” and my wife started to run the show around here).
Never the less, the 200 posts have spanned over 4 years, with the first post all the way back in April of 2005. That’s a long time. 2005 was the year I first met Bri, it was the year I went on my Israel trip, and had a completely different job, residence, and quantity of wives and children then I have here in July of 2009.
In 4 years time, the blog has evolved and changed as much as I have. It’s a little bit of a walk down memory lane to look back at some of those early posts and see where I was emotionally, spiritually. Most of all, It’s interesting to see the sovereign hand of God turning my heart throughout the years. In four years there have been many joys and sorrows, many struggles and blessings, and much change. And yet God has not changed. He has not evolved. He does not look back upon the four years with regret, like you or I might. He looks upon it with a pleasure in His perfect will. What great joy there is to look back at the most difficult times you experience and see the sovereign hand of God shining brighter than that once darkened night.
May we all set before us the kingdom of God and not our own kingdoms. We’ve seen the kingdoms of five different celebrities fall in the last couple of weeks, none planned, none ready. Though we think we are safe, we do not have the assurance that we will see even tomorrow’s light. I don’t know that I will even make it to post 202. In four years there has been only one thing worth relying upon, worth striving for, that has not blown away like fleeting chaff in the wind, and that is God.
I’ve decided to expand my photography hobby into a possible career.
Pipe dream, right?
Possibly.
Trust me, simply declaring this on the blog is a huge leap of faith for me. I’m not one to flippantly take on a huge undertaking. I have pondered, experimented, studied, sought out criticism, doubted, soul-searched, and finally resolved to take on this adventure. Those of you who have known me most or all of my life know that I thrive on creativity. I’ve just always lacked ambition to take it to the next level. However, I’ve gotten enough practice these past six months to know where I stand as far as a capacity to learn and grow. I also have enough skill in post processing to skip that long and very arduous step. For the time being, I’m going to seek out people to practice on and try to find my niche, whether that be child, newborn, maternity, wedding, portrait or all of the above (Lord, help me). I don’t see myself becoming a successful business overnight; I want to take my time, learning as efficiently as I can all of the technical aspects of the craft as well as establishing my own style.
Because this is a whole other entity, I will not be posting my pictures on here except personal ones. I will, however, add my flickr page to the links section. That way, those who are interested in my journey can see all my latest work (At least the ones I have permission to post).
If you want to pray for this new endeavor, please pray that if it is the Lord’s will for this “pipe dream” to materialize, I will find wisdom to manage this responsibly, and not become discouraged (which I all too easily do) and also that He will give me opportunities to grow as a photographer.
I’ll admit, I haven’t given the blog much thought in a while and I will shamelessly blame it on Caleb’s nap boycott. The kid used to take amazing naps lasting two hours or more. But recently he’ll sleep 30 minutes at the most. This gives me just enough time to keep the house from falling apart. He’s also grown bored with his bouncy seat which was the only sure-fire way to get him to sleep. Naptime is now a challenge of patience and creativity for myself. I won’t complain too much though because he’s been in the best mood; often holding intriguing conversations with me in his own language and spending lots of time just observing the world around him. It’s really gotten so much easier to parent him now that he is more interactive; that’s why I titled this post Cruise Control. I no longer have the urge to grab some sort of baby manual. I think I have a pretty solid grasp on this whole motherhood thing…at least for now.
Since the last post, my 25th birthday has come and gone. Andy took me out to dinner and a movie while Caleb hung out at Grandma and Grandpa’s house. Since the baby, dates that don’t involve a diaper run to Target are a rare and much appreciated occurrence.
Here are some pictures of Caleb and Daddy spending some quality time together; the last picture depicting an activity they love to share together. Enjoy!
I was talking with Bri this morning about how it seems that since the new guy came along, it’s been so much harder to focus on the disciplines of our faith right now, like spending time in God’s word as well as prayer. We’ve had the floods of praise and giving glory to God for all the amazing miracles that have happened along this journey, but the overwhelming time-crunch that is having a newborn has rattled my disciplines quite a bit. It kind of reminded me of a truth I’ve always known and try to remind those that are trying to live for God. Discipline is not opportunistic. When we say in our heads things like “when I get a chance” or “when the right time comes up” then more often then not our disciplines fall by the wayside. This is true in life, and even more true in the spiritual realm. Our adversary will constantly try to flood us with justifications, busy-ness, fatigue, discouragement, distraction and the like. Discipline lives up to it’s definition. It takes some to have some. It’s easy to believe the lie that “well in a few weeks Caleb will be a little older so then it’ll be easier.” I’ve talked to enough parents and am enough of a realist to know that there will always be challenges that bend our normal plans and life. I hope to be disciplined within the joys and storms and set a good example for my son one day.
Okay everyone, put on your lucky socks. We’ve set up our official baby pool. On here, you can guess Caleb’s weight, length and date & time of delivery. I expect to see lots of early dates because I don’t know if I want to wait the entire 40 weeks.
Though I often feel the victim, I saw today the joy that can only be experienced in the deliverance of God. Once might hope that God could grant some supernatural joy at all times. But even that would have a different and distinct quality than the joy of deliverance that I found in my heart and soul today. I found the beauty and majesty of God within this pain. And I sure didn’t see it coming.
To joy in suffering seems at first a paradoxical bit of nonsense. How does one rejoice in the darkness of pain and suffering? I would be a fool to claim even a small crumb of consistency in practicing this truth, but as I have suffered in emotional physical ways in the past year, my eyes are opening more and more to His holy intentions for the seemingly endless and painful trials we face.
Many of you know the recent health hardships I personally have been dealing with. Physical pain that has passed it’s torch to emotional pain. It’s been difficult. And yet somehow today I see the majestic beauty within it. The distinct, unique, overwhelming beauty of God that can only be seen and only exists within the framework of pain. It is not nonsense and it is not meaningless. And it is certainly not cliché. I don’t believe that everything happens for a reason. That’s too arbitrary, too comfort driven. I believe our pains and our sufferings, our trials and joys, exist to glorify God to the fullest. God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in him, in the midst of loss. In the midst of suffering. He can be uniquely praised, uniquely worshiped, sincerely worshipped, in the deepest of valleys and darkest of nights.
I am starting to see the grace within suffering. The blessing that it can be. The reminder that God has not let me alone, he has not given me over to death. Yet he lets us suffer, let’s us fall into trials to the praise of His glory and for the building of qualities that are incapable to develop outside of pain and trial. And what a beautiful, lovely, wonderful joy I have found in this place where once only tears fell.
“Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.”
James 1:2-3
One of my favorite songs…
When trials come no longer fear
For in the pain our God draws near
To fire a faith worth more than gold
And there His faithfulness is told
And there His faithfulness is told
Within the night I know Your peace
The breath of God brings strength to me
And new each morning mercy flows
As treasures of the darkness grow
As treasures of the darkness grow
I turn to Wisdom not my own
For every battle You have known
My confidence will rest in You
Your love endures Your ways are good
Your love endures Your ways are good
When I am weary with the cost
I see the triumph of the cross
So in it’s shadow I shall run
‘Till He completes the work begun
‘Till He completes the work begun
One day all things will be made new
I’ll see the hope You called me to
And in your kingdom paved with gold
I’ll praise your faithfulness of old
I’ll praise your faithfulness of old
I often wonder what it would have been like to live during a different era. Perhaps the early 1900’s when people had less as far as “wealth” - but also developed a different perspective. Instead of this murky world of comparison and relative (and not ultimate) success, it seems like things were more simple even if they weren’t so “advanced” as we think we are today.
Or maybe my problem is not eras but countries. You need not travel backwards in time to achieve this different perspective, just head overseas. My time in Israel was enough to see the gap in perspective and priority. We were tourists in a strange land filled with historical sites. They were people in their home land living their lives. We were probably nothing more than flies. Like rich politicians who spend 3 hours in a warzone or refugee camp. We visit, we have compassion, and then we fly home to our warm beds and safety.
I think it’s probably a cop-out to want an “all around me” change like a time flash back or country move, so that I’m forced to change my perspectives and priorities. I know I’m capable of doing that with dicipline, submission and ultimately humility, but often large changes seem easier. It’s why people make resolutions on New Year’s and not March 11th or June 5th. It’s a simple or seemingly simpler starting point. I suppose the quest should be to run after that bigger perspective at all times and be contented with slowly moving and not feel guilty for my place in this world. As an American, it seems to be getting more difficult to do.
For every high in our lives, every time we reach the pinnacle of some worldly venture - there is in fact a hidden chasm awaiting. Not reserved to defeat us, but rather to test us - to test whether our success has been crafted by our own hands or comes from reliance on the Living God. Whether our strength is found in our arms and legs or our Creator. This chasm is wide and long but not too wide and not too long. It is not impassable despite it’s impassable looks. It is harrowing in order to blast the your human reliance far away.
No sensible man or woman would claim to be able to cross it alone but you’d be surprised how many would say they did it alone once they reached the other side. We have a tendency to puff out our shirts until of course another chasm finds us and we’re back upon our knees. Thank the Lord Almighty that he is not us and contains some incomprehensible perfection of virtue that allows him not to simply toss us in the next chasm we find and leave us there to rot. It would be far more sensible and deserved than the seemingly endless mercy that flows from Him like water from a stream.
For every mountaintop, a chasm. For every chasm, an opportunity. For every opportunity, a choice. God or self.
Two days ago I had one of those moments. When clarity finds you. I realized I was saved from Hell by the grace of God, and no matter what I tried to do to prove myself worthy I was absolutely and completely not. No matter how much I could try to pay back God I would come incredibly short. What I did is so entirely irrelevant to my savior. What I do cannot earn me heaven. I mean, you’re probably saying “yeah idiot that’s what the Bible says” and that’s true and fine. But this clarity is new. It’s somewhere deeper than the intellect. It’s the instant tears place. The hit the knees place.
I think I’ve tried so much to earn my way to God. Not in some set out plan kind of way. I never sat down and said to myself that’s what I’d do, but I think I did it. A hundred times over I’d said, thought, preached, teached, sang and danced the grace saves me truth. I never tried to act like works saved me. But I think at some point the motivation for doing things became that. Because the alternative was too hard to comprehend.
I think the reason this happens is because it is so deeply unfathomable that heaven could be had another way. That the favor of a mighty God and King could be found through the mighty King Himself, and only through Him. My mind could accept it, but my heart failed to buy it. No dice. How in the world is that possible. How can he love me so much when I am so very broken. How can he find me worthy by his worth and not require me to somehow find it myself. I am a free man and somehow not a man working off a sentence. The clarity is new. Wow.
I struggle to think of the fact that my faith in the unseen seems less real than that of the visible. I can completely acknowledge the truths of the scripture, those confirmed by my own experience, and yet fail in my following through. I can profess with my lips the sweet truths but do little to act them out with my hands and feet. Why? I am bewildered at times. I struggle with sin and such a struggle surely seperates me from a spiritual mind. Is that it? Maybe. I am unsure. I know that If i had but a moments glance at heaven I would be thrust unending into obedience. Yet without such a glance I am not? I do not understand.
How is it that faith, my own, can depend so fully upon actual understanding? Why must I fully understand / contemplate / visualize something to act on it the way I should. Can I not act upon the unseen yet completely confident truths? This is my struggle. Albiet confusing.
I want so much to come to the place where seeing or understanding pales in comparison to the truth I know and feel and experience. I want my overflowing obedience to stem from the truth while I am here on earth. This is my prayer in such a confusing time. Enablement to live with a faith that isn’t dependent upon seeing or understanding, but dependent upon truth.
Recent Comments